If there’s one thing this past year of personal transformation has taught me, it’s that life is so much better when you just own who you are.
As someone who has spent the past 20 years of my life trying to act like someone who I thought people would like most, I can verify that the life I’m living now (as purely myself) is so much more colorful and beautiful because I’ve chosen to just be me.
But learning to trust and be your authentic self is not easy.
As I’ve taken the (sometimes really scary) steps of deepening into the most authentic version of myself, I’ve opened myself up the criticism. It’s only natural for some people to be challenged by their own insecurities and secret desires when they see someone shining brightly as their whole self. I can recall being deeply jealous when I saw a beautiful woman wearing bright red lipstick on the train in Boston. Her comfort in her own beauty and confidence to display it in public was something I deeply desired, and my response was a little bit bitchy. Whoa, can she take it down a notch with that lipstick? That’s so intense, I bet she’s super high maintenance. But all that triggered bitchy girl really wanted was to be able to wear bright red lipstick too.
By being the most authentic versions of ourselves, we can trigger the harsh voices of others.
Back in November, I wrote my first radically honest post where I talked about leaving my six-figure job to step into the wild unknown of starting my own business and following my heart towards a life of wonder and well-being. This was a huge step for me and one I really celebrated. For the first time in my life, I was announcing to the world that I was choosing my path and not anyone else's. I was no longer attempting to follow someone else’s blueprint, which had gotten me to the top of the ladder only to realize it was leaning against the wrong wall.
And, while this big step was celebrated by my community (both locally and across the globe online - I love you all so much), it pissed some people off.
What was so upsetting?
The fact that I said I walked away from a six-figure salary. It didn't make sense that I walked away from a salary many people dream of making to pursue my passion. Or the fact that I was making that amount of money to begin with somehow disqualified my decision for people who aren't making that much in their job currently.
Oh money, you fickle creature. So much angst and emotion in our world is centered around money, and my story triggered that for some people.
Triggered them enough to talk about it openly online and try to poke holes in my story - finding any reason for it to not be true (I suspect so they could justify that it wasn’t possible for them - thereby justifying their discontent with life and being trapped due to money).
And when I found out that some people were having this reaction, I was initially hurt. My former people-pleasing self was wounded from realizing that not the whole world was celebrating this moment with me.
Why can’t everyone love me and get along?!
I was also feeling challenged to tell the world even more of my truth.
Why do they doubt my hard work and assume I have a trust fund or a rich husband?
Do they want me to open my bank account to prove it to them?
And so what if I did have a trust fund or bank account to support this transition in my life?
Why does struggle have to be the only way to make this shift?
I went down a deep rabbit hole of exploration with these questions. It was clunky and uncomfortable, and at times I wanted to run and hide and call these people horrible names for questioning my integrity.
And, after all that exploration and the sting of criticism, I’ve emerged with a deeper understanding and gratitude for the criticism.
It’s tempting to run away from the pain and discomfort of criticism, but when you feel into it more deeply you will find the lesson. The lesson for me was to reinforce my intuition and trust in myself. To read those comments, and see the pain and frustration behind them - just like the bitchy version of myself on that train in Boston. All beautiful little signs of your true desires from the universe.
My response to the specific criticism about money and how I support myself is this:
I would have made this happen however I could. I used the resources I had to make this work. If I had a trust fund, I would have leveraged that. If I had nothing, I would be waiting tables every night to pay the rent so I can dabble and inspire and explore myself during the day. It just so happens that Tim and I made certain sacrifices we were comfortable with and figured out a reduced household budget to make this happen for us. It was what worked for us, and I encourage anyone out there who is maneuvering through this type of decision to do the same. Whatever works for you is the right thing.
I know that, as I continue to tell my story, I will invite more critics (or “haters”) to explore their desires and frustrations. And I’m 100% OK with that.
So I ask you, dear one, to consider seeing criticism as a natural part of living an authentic, openly expressed life. And, while having everyone like you may feel like the better option, trust that a deeper experience of life is waiting for you on the other side.
Photo by Gina Eykemans
Thanks for this article. I used to be a people pleaser myself. I couldn’t stand if one person didn’t like me. Now, I don’t care if one person does. I know that sounds harsh, but to be truly happy with one’s self, it’s the stance one has to take. And, in that process, it usually brings friends along who also want to feel that way.
Great post, Becca! I would definitely not call myself a hater, but I did go through all of those scenarios in my mind, wondering how a person could do this (successfully). I assumed you had a huge savings along with your 6 figure income but also went down the “rich husband” path… Guilty! It’s inspiring to hear that this kind of leap is possible. I hope I have the guts to do it myself someday very soon. Thanks for your honest sharing.
Thanks for your thoughts on this, Kimberly and Dana!
Kimberly – I celebrate your transition from people pleaser to empowered lady! I’m still in my transition, admittedly, but feeling better about it every day.
Dana – I’m so honored to felt compelled to tell me your thoughts. Thank you thank you, sister. I probably would have wondered that myself, in your position. I’m so glad that sharing my story has given you better perspective. 🙂
This is beautiful, Becca. As a people pleaser in transition and someone who left behind a “dream” job and high salary to pursue my passions, I can totally relate to this, and find so much inspiration in your journey for mine. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you so much, Melissa! I’m honored to be on the journey with you <3
You are such an inspiration! The first time I read your blog not too long ago, I definitely thought to myself “I want this too! But I could never do this; she probably has a trust fund or rich husband”. I wasn’t mad at you at all if that was the case, just disappointed in my own lack of such resources. I am just so tired of giving my everything to a job: having impeccable work ethic and awesome skills, but getting no more recognition than the person who delivers 60% of my work product. I’ve decided no job will ever pay me my actual worth, so I need to find a way to employ myself! That way my employer always appreciates my diligent efforts. I am just getting my dream started and i won;t be able to quit my job cold turkey, but your posts keep me feeling motivated. Thank you so mch for sharing!
Ohhh Cajun, thank you for sharing your heart here with us.
I do understand where you’re at so so well. Be gentle with yourself as you explore this new dream for yourself. My intuition is telling me that, if you know you have an impeccable work ethic and awesome skills, then your bright future is within reach. Please keep in touch xoxo.
Becca. Good article, sounds like your finding your confidence. One day my father told me this and its helped me, “Just remember that you have as much right to do whatever you want as anyone else, own your space and your decisions”. There are lots of people in the world, if you always worry about what they think then that’s all you will be doing.
Thanks for the comment, Tim! Yes, the confidence is coming 🙂 I love that quote from your dad.